Earlier this week, a clergy friend related a story about a dinner at her congregation. She was away on a youth retreat, and received a call in the middle that one of the long-time members of the congregation had called a newer member, who happened to be gay, a faggot. Not only was it not in private, it was in front of the whole of the gathered community at dinner. The person who was so attacked has left the congregation after five years there. The person who made the comment has been taken to task by the rest of the congregational community, yet remains unrepentant, and claims entitlement due to long-term membership. The congregation is still reeling that their ideal of Christian community has been so damaged. Interestingly, even the other anti-gay people in the congregation have demanded that such discriminatory and poisonous behaviour not be allowed to continue.
Pretty hard not to take that personally, in fact, extremely hard. But the comment tells us a lot more about the person who made the comment, and about that person’s own issues. The damage to the congregation will take far longer to be repaired, and some will begin to wonder if they have been at fault.
One person’s poison affects an entire community. It is up to the community, of course, as to whether they will let the poison kill them or not.
A few years ago, as President of Conference, I chaired the committee which made decisions about the status of two clergy colleagues, both who happened to be people I also considered friends. They were removed from ministry, and placed on a disciplinary discontinued service list. These were agonising and painful decisions to make, and there were tears around the table as we made those decisions. I remember wondering how it was that people I had respected could get to such a point. But listening to the stories, I began to understand. They took themselves too seriously; they were not able to step back; they had lost the ability to recognise what were other people’s issues - and when there was criticism, they took it as personal attacks, and became defensive.
Well, somewhat extreme examples. What about at a level closer to home? My third child, when he moved here to Toronto, found that because his birthday fell mid-December, he was moved into Grade 4 from Grade 3 in the US. He railed and ranted - he shouldn’t be in Grade 4, he couldn’t do it, he was too young. For the rest of his life - even today - he will tell you that he has always been behind in life because he was forced to go into Grade 4, and his parents did the wrong thing. It has become one of the stories he tells himself about himself, and he took it so personally that it shaped how he sees himself still. Nothing positive that we say to him will change that.
At an even simpler level, what if a parent says to a child often enough “You are so stupid!” Or “You always have to cause trouble, don’t you?”, or “You were behind the door when the brains were handed out.” Eventually that is going to become the fabric of the stories this child believes, and all the child’s life will be played out in that context. They will take that with them as they become adults. The statements probably come out of our own fears about life, but we have laid them on our children who then internalise them. Because we are not impeccable in our words, with ourselves and with them, they learn to buy into it as well.
So, in terms of life in a congregational community, whose reason for being is to carry out God’s mission in the world, how does this play out? In any congregation, there are three major groups. There are those who take major leadership positions, and they are about five percent; there is a large group which comes mostly on Sundays for worship; and there is another small group of people who are minimally active. We all tend to think that what we see or hear on Sunday morning is who people really are. We tend to think we all see things the same way, like our worship the same way, have the same opinions. We tend to think we know each other well, because we come together maybe once or twice a week. Yet the reality is, every single one of us has a different opinion and a different point of view. We all come from different perspectives; the biggest problem is we come assuming that the church community is required to accept us regardless of what we do or say, and required to make us all happy.
Miguel Ruiz talks about the voices we hear in our minds - the many voices all saying many different things, and how we try to listen to them all and juggle them all. I have always found it interesting that we can hear all kinds of good things about ourselves, but as soon as there is one negative comment, we begin to obsess and feed on it - and the comment can not only paralyse us, it can shape us. Instead of looking realistically into ourselves and learning to discern what is really critical for each of us, we get hooked into what others say about us, or tell us about ourselves.
Now this isn’t an “I’m OK, you’re OK” kind of thing. It says clearly that all of us have issues, that we aren’t all OK. We have to honestly, and sometimes with pain, address our own issues; others have to do the same. But we don’t have to take on the issues of others as our own, and recognising that helps us to be free from some of the poison.
Jesus knew that the criticisms came from people who were made uncomfortable by him. We see Jesus, in the biblical stories, going into the desert for discernment; we see him going off alone to meditate; we see him being questioned and tested by the religious leaders; we see him being attacked by political leaders. Jesus learned to do good discernment in prayer and meditation, and was able to go all the way to the cross, without taking it personally.
Ruiz says that this agreement and the first, are the two most important - and that makes sense. First, if we are impeccable with our words, hurtful situations will be avoided. Second, even if others aren’t impeccable with their words, we are able to step back and recognise that what is going on is about them, not about us.
In the movie “Hook”, in which Robin Williams plays Peter Pan grown up, Peter has stopped believing, become an adult, married Wendy’s granddaughter and had children. He has listened to the voices of the world for so long that he has actually forgotten who he is. The Lost Boys don’t really believe he’s Peter Pan; he doesn’t believe it either. There is a wonderful scene where one of the Lost Boys takes Peter’s face between his hands and looks into his eyes - touches his face, looks him over, and then looks deep into his eyes again, and exclaims “You ARE in there, aren’t you! You are Peter Pan!”
Jesus talks about the “least of these”, and seeing him in the least. In other places he talks about loving ourselves. The question is, do we see Jesus in ourselves too? I think Miguel Ruiz is addressing that as well. We have listened to the voices that hold us back, drag us down, distract us from who we are.
When you go home today, go look in the mirror. Look deep into your own eyes. See the Jesus there. When you come together with the congregation again, look into their eyes. And I mean, really look. You ARE in there! Thanks be to God.
Areas of agreement we make:
Personal agreements: Our bodies and ourselves
Social agreements: Family and friends
Spiritual agreements: Life and God
Financial agreements: Work and career
What areas of your life present a challenge at the moment?
What is your reaction to those challenges?
Are you aware of what gives you the greatest joy?
What inspires you, makes your spirit soar?
Do you see Jesus in yourself when you look closely?
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